1 00:00:00,353 --> 00:00:05,653 2 00:00:19,520 --> 00:00:20,851 So what's the system here? 3 00:00:21,880 --> 00:00:25,327 I dunno. I think you just go up and get your grub. 4 00:00:25,400 --> 00:00:26,811 What, you just walk up?! 5 00:00:27,880 --> 00:00:29,120 I think so. 6 00:00:29,200 --> 00:00:30,531 But I've nae plate. 7 00:00:31,600 --> 00:00:34,444 I think there's maybe plates up there. 8 00:00:36,040 --> 00:00:37,644 Right, you go up first, then. 9 00:00:37,720 --> 00:00:40,530 No, you go up first. You're the one that wanted to come in here. 10 00:00:40,600 --> 00:00:43,171 - I don't know the set-up. - Well, neither do I. 11 00:00:46,200 --> 00:00:47,167 Right, I'll go. 12 00:00:47,240 --> 00:00:49,846 No, no, no, wait, wait, wait. We'll go together. 13 00:00:49,920 --> 00:00:51,649 Naw, we cannae go up together. 14 00:00:51,720 --> 00:00:54,200 If we go up together and there's nae plates, 15 00:00:54,280 --> 00:00:56,851 then we need to come back together, empty-handed, like clowns. 16 00:00:56,920 --> 00:00:58,922 If there's nae plates, you'll look like a clown anyway. 17 00:00:59,000 --> 00:01:03,324 Naw, if I go up myself, I'll just look like I'm checking the food oot. 18 00:01:03,400 --> 00:01:05,721 And if there's plates there, I'll gie you a wee wink. 19 00:01:05,800 --> 00:01:08,406 You're no' winking at me! We'll look like a couple of boyfriends. 20 00:01:08,480 --> 00:01:09,686 Who are you shouting at? 21 00:01:10,840 --> 00:01:12,729 We should have just went to a normal place. 22 00:01:12,800 --> 00:01:16,043 I'm starving. It's all you can eat. It's a bargain. 23 00:01:16,120 --> 00:01:18,407 You guys been to a buffet before? 24 00:01:18,480 --> 00:01:20,687 - Do you know what yous are doin'? - Aye, mate, aye. 25 00:01:20,760 --> 00:01:22,205 Aye, nae bother, big chap. 26 00:01:22,280 --> 00:01:25,170 Veterans, mate, you know, veterans. 27 00:01:25,240 --> 00:01:27,322 OK. Well, enjoy your meal. 28 00:01:29,840 --> 00:01:32,491 - What did you no' say to him for? - What did you no' say to him for? 29 00:01:32,560 --> 00:01:35,291 When I dae get a plate, I'm going to put it ower your heid 30 00:01:35,360 --> 00:01:37,681 for making us come in here, you fat, greedy shite! 31 00:01:37,760 --> 00:01:40,286 Just go up, help yoursel', that's what it says. 32 00:01:40,360 --> 00:01:42,727 That's what I was gonnae dae, idiot. 33 00:01:42,800 --> 00:01:44,290 Here, mate, sit down. 34 00:01:45,320 --> 00:01:46,810 If you're going up and I'm staying here, 35 00:01:46,880 --> 00:01:48,769 you'll need to get me a plate o' grub an' all. 36 00:01:49,800 --> 00:01:50,767 Naw. 37 00:01:50,840 --> 00:01:54,287 If I bring back a plate for you, I'll look like your wife, never mind your boyfriend. 38 00:01:54,360 --> 00:01:56,681 Aye, well, as long as you're sorted. 39 00:01:56,760 --> 00:01:58,046 Selfish bastard. 40 00:01:58,120 --> 00:02:00,327 - What'd you call me?! - You heard. 41 00:02:00,400 --> 00:02:02,323 I'll stick that fork in your neck, you c... 42 00:02:07,680 --> 00:02:11,127 He disnae. He's too scared to go up. 43 00:02:11,200 --> 00:02:13,646 Aw, there's nothing to it. 44 00:02:13,720 --> 00:02:14,687 I'm no' scared. 45 00:02:15,720 --> 00:02:16,687 He's scared. 46 00:02:18,080 --> 00:02:19,411 Gie's yer plate. 47 00:02:19,480 --> 00:02:22,131 Honestly, it's like taking my son out or something. 48 00:02:26,720 --> 00:02:30,008 Do I just take what I want? This is a nightmare, man. 49 00:02:31,040 --> 00:02:32,041 Oh, are you...? 50 00:02:32,120 --> 00:02:34,885 Naw, naw, naw, on you go. I'm just passing through. 51 00:02:41,720 --> 00:02:42,687 All right? 52 00:02:47,240 --> 00:02:50,881 All right, folks? Know what you're doing at the buffet and that, aye? 53 00:02:50,960 --> 00:02:53,531 Aye. Nae bother. 54 00:02:53,600 --> 00:02:54,726 Good, good. 55 00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:04,005 My name's James Jumpstyle of Jumpstyle Beds And Chairs, 56 00:03:04,080 --> 00:03:06,765 Burnistoun's only Jumpstyle furniture store. 57 00:03:06,840 --> 00:03:10,003 You'd better get down here for our spring sale quickstyle... 58 00:03:10,080 --> 00:03:12,447 or should that be...Jumpstyle? 59 00:03:22,440 --> 00:03:26,525 My Jumpstyle staff will sort you out with all your furniture needs... 60 00:03:26,600 --> 00:03:28,284 Jumpstyle! 61 00:03:35,360 --> 00:03:39,160 What kind of bedside cabinet was it were you after, madam? 62 00:03:44,600 --> 00:03:46,409 Jumpstyle Beds And Chairs! 63 00:03:47,680 --> 00:03:50,126 Come on down and shop in style... 64 00:03:50,200 --> 00:03:51,611 shop in Jumpstyle! 65 00:03:57,600 --> 00:03:59,568 I heard old Biscuity Boyle was down there, an' all. 66 00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:01,483 Aye, aye. 67 00:04:01,560 --> 00:04:04,609 He got stuck in the revolving door, and his troosers fell doon. 68 00:04:04,680 --> 00:04:05,647 Poor old bugger. 69 00:04:05,720 --> 00:04:09,281 Ah, you couple of bent shots, man! 70 00:04:11,880 --> 00:04:14,247 - Tadgers. - Hey, don't dingy us, 71 00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:16,607 you pair o' rent boys, man! 72 00:04:16,680 --> 00:04:18,762 Keep walking, Gordo. 73 00:04:18,840 --> 00:04:21,446 Yous are getting knifed, man! 74 00:04:35,760 --> 00:04:37,444 Oh! 75 00:04:51,680 --> 00:04:58,165 Try to imagine throwing a two-litre bottle of ginger over 150 metres 76 00:04:58,240 --> 00:05:01,642 and landing it dead centre on a target, 77 00:05:01,720 --> 00:05:04,849 that target being a rocket's napper. 78 00:05:04,920 --> 00:05:08,288 That's exactly what my next guest did, Gordon Belford. 79 00:05:08,360 --> 00:05:10,203 - Gordon, hello. - Hello, Sarah. 80 00:05:10,280 --> 00:05:13,443 So, what's the script with this ginger-throwing thing, then? 81 00:05:13,520 --> 00:05:16,763 Well, me and my mate, Jamie, were just out getting some swadgers, 82 00:05:16,840 --> 00:05:20,242 and on the way back, these wee guys started giein' us a bit o' snash. 83 00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:21,731 What kind of snash? 84 00:05:21,800 --> 00:05:25,247 Er, just kinda calling us bent shots and rent boys, an' that. 85 00:05:25,320 --> 00:05:29,041 And then one of the wee skelpers said that he was pulling a knife. 86 00:05:29,120 --> 00:05:31,487 So, I just flung ma bottle o' ginger. 87 00:05:31,560 --> 00:05:33,528 And as fortune had it, 88 00:05:33,600 --> 00:05:36,444 - I doofed it right aff his dome. - Amazing. 89 00:05:36,520 --> 00:05:40,206 And is it true you're going to be in The Guinness Book Of Records? 90 00:05:40,280 --> 00:05:44,285 Well, apparently, I'd have to recreate the throw under Guinness conditions. 91 00:05:45,880 --> 00:05:48,087 Gordon, you have your two-litre bottle of ginger? 92 00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:53,167 The wee fud is in position. 93 00:05:53,240 --> 00:05:57,165 Yous are all gettin' knifed, man! 94 00:05:59,560 --> 00:06:01,847 Gordon, good luck. 95 00:06:04,520 --> 00:06:05,487 Aaaaaah! 96 00:06:09,120 --> 00:06:11,726 Yes! 97 00:06:11,800 --> 00:06:14,041 Whoo! Wow! 98 00:06:20,600 --> 00:06:23,968 I heard old Biscuity Boyle was doon there an' all. 99 00:06:24,040 --> 00:06:27,442 Aye, he got stuck in the revolving doors, and his troosers fell doon. 100 00:06:27,520 --> 00:06:28,760 Poor old bugger. 101 00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:32,526 Hey! You couple of bent shots, man. 102 00:06:33,680 --> 00:06:34,806 Wee tadgers. 103 00:06:34,880 --> 00:06:37,486 Hey! Don't dingy us, you rent boys. 104 00:06:39,400 --> 00:06:41,801 - Keep walking, Gordo. - No, baby. 105 00:06:41,880 --> 00:06:46,727 Us decent folk don't need to stand for no more of this bullshit, baby. 106 00:06:46,800 --> 00:06:49,246 Yous are getting knifed, man. 107 00:06:50,920 --> 00:06:52,410 Waaah! 108 00:06:58,000 --> 00:07:03,882 No-one can withstand my two-litre bottle o' ginger, bitch! 109 00:07:07,280 --> 00:07:08,725 You want some, baby? 110 00:07:11,280 --> 00:07:12,964 You get 'em, Gordo! 111 00:07:16,640 --> 00:07:17,562 Come on...! 112 00:07:17,640 --> 00:07:20,450 What you daein', Gordo? You'll never hit them from here. 113 00:07:23,680 --> 00:07:28,368 Ah, you nugget! You cannae even throw a bottle o' ginger, man! 114 00:07:28,440 --> 00:07:30,010 Yaaaaaaa! 115 00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:34,246 Go on. 116 00:07:42,600 --> 00:07:43,726 Just through here. 117 00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:47,571 That's it, son. Just you keep quiet till you see what's what 118 00:07:47,640 --> 00:07:50,405 It's a simple job. I just want some shelves up on this wall. 119 00:07:50,480 --> 00:07:53,450 Three sturdy ones. I'll buy them, you put them up. 120 00:07:53,520 --> 00:07:57,445 Right son, I want you to suck the air in through your teeth, 121 00:07:57,520 --> 00:08:01,047 as if you've just been kicked square in the hawmaws. 122 00:08:02,400 --> 00:08:03,890 What? 123 00:08:03,960 --> 00:08:07,965 Now, shake your heid a wee bit, tell her the job's no' as easy 124 00:08:08,040 --> 00:08:11,044 as she might think and call her "hen". 125 00:08:11,120 --> 00:08:14,727 The job's no' as simple as you might think...hen. 126 00:08:14,800 --> 00:08:17,451 Never let them think it's an easy job. 127 00:08:17,520 --> 00:08:22,321 Act as if she's just asked you to pull Atlantis aff the ocean flair, 128 00:08:22,400 --> 00:08:24,129 wi' your bare hauns. 129 00:08:25,160 --> 00:08:27,970 Now, run yer hauns across the wall. 130 00:08:28,040 --> 00:08:31,567 Look like you're being forced to caress the world's spottiest arse. 131 00:08:31,640 --> 00:08:35,929 These walls are...eh...em... 132 00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:37,570 Duran Duran, son. 133 00:08:37,640 --> 00:08:38,971 Notorious. 134 00:08:39,040 --> 00:08:42,123 Be aw bright-eyed and enthusiastic with this good news, son, 135 00:08:42,200 --> 00:08:44,487 like you're a Jack Russell presenting Crimewatch. 136 00:08:44,560 --> 00:08:46,210 Notorious? 137 00:08:46,280 --> 00:08:47,691 Hit her wi' it. 138 00:08:47,760 --> 00:08:51,685 Aye, the plastering in these hooses is notoriously bad. 139 00:08:51,760 --> 00:08:52,727 Bull's-eye! 140 00:08:52,800 --> 00:08:54,928 Really? Didn't know that. 141 00:08:55,000 --> 00:08:56,843 Aye. The guys that done it... 142 00:08:56,920 --> 00:08:58,445 Aye? 143 00:08:58,520 --> 00:09:01,808 That's it, son. That's it. Drop the C-word on her, give her the big C! 144 00:09:01,880 --> 00:09:06,090 - Cowboys. - Yes! Yes, son! World class! 145 00:09:06,160 --> 00:09:08,811 Noo ask her the question. Seal the deal. 146 00:09:08,880 --> 00:09:11,724 So, any chance o' a wee cup of tea? 147 00:09:11,800 --> 00:09:15,646 Yes, yes! Brilliant son! 148 00:09:15,720 --> 00:09:18,849 You are officially a tradesman. 149 00:09:18,920 --> 00:09:20,729 Well done, son. Well done. 150 00:09:27,560 --> 00:09:30,211 All right? I think I need stitches. 151 00:09:30,280 --> 00:09:31,361 What happened to you? 152 00:09:31,440 --> 00:09:32,407 Fell doon the stair. 153 00:09:32,480 --> 00:09:33,527 - What stair? - The stair in ma hoose. 154 00:09:33,600 --> 00:09:34,931 - Where's your hoose? - Blackmount Street. 155 00:09:35,000 --> 00:09:36,650 - How d'you fall? - I tripped. 156 00:09:36,720 --> 00:09:37,562 - How did you trip? - Ma shoes are too big. 157 00:09:37,640 --> 00:09:39,483 - How's your shoes too big? - They're no' ma shoes. 158 00:09:39,560 --> 00:09:40,641 - Whose are they? - Ma da's. 159 00:09:40,720 --> 00:09:42,051 - Why's he no' wearing them? - He's deid. 160 00:09:42,120 --> 00:09:43,485 - How'd he die? - He fell doon the stair. 161 00:09:43,560 --> 00:09:45,210 - How'd he fall? - His shoes were too wee. 162 00:09:45,280 --> 00:09:46,691 - How's his shoes too wee? - He stole 'em. 163 00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:48,250 - Who aff? - Me. 164 00:09:48,320 --> 00:09:49,321 Right, take a seat. 165 00:09:54,240 --> 00:09:55,207 Come here a minute. 166 00:09:58,240 --> 00:10:00,447 - What's your name? - What d'you need my name for? 167 00:10:00,520 --> 00:10:02,010 So I can fill out this form. 168 00:10:02,080 --> 00:10:04,128 - What's the form for? - To gie to the doctor. 169 00:10:04,200 --> 00:10:05,406 - What's he want it for? - So he doesn't need to ask yer name. 170 00:10:05,480 --> 00:10:07,403 - Why doesn't he want to ask me? - Cos he cannae be bothered. 171 00:10:07,480 --> 00:10:09,721 - Why can he no' be bothered? - Cos he disnae care. 172 00:10:09,800 --> 00:10:11,848 Ma name's Ronnie, Ronnie Stokes. 173 00:10:11,920 --> 00:10:13,524 Right, thanks. Sit doon. 174 00:10:19,680 --> 00:10:20,647 C'mere. 175 00:10:23,040 --> 00:10:26,203 - Ronnie Stokes? - Aye, Ronnie Stokes. 176 00:10:26,280 --> 00:10:27,805 Ma name's Stokes an' all, Barry Stokes. 177 00:10:27,880 --> 00:10:29,484 - Mine's Ronnie Stokes. - Barry Stokes. 178 00:10:29,560 --> 00:10:31,289 Ronnie Stokes. 179 00:10:32,360 --> 00:10:34,727 - D'you know Carol Stokes? - Naw. D'you know Davie Stokes? 180 00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:36,928 - Naw. D'you know Stevie Stokes? - Naw. D'you know Barry Stokes? 181 00:10:37,000 --> 00:10:39,765 - Ah'm Barry Stokes. - No' you. Another Barry Stokes. 182 00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:42,764 - Naw. D'you know Big Sarah Stokes? - Naw. D'you know Big Sandy Stokes? 183 00:10:42,840 --> 00:10:44,763 - Naw. D'you know Ronnie Stokes? - I'm Ronnie Stokes. 184 00:10:44,840 --> 00:10:46,080 No' you. Another Ronnie Stokes. 185 00:10:46,160 --> 00:10:48,731 - Ma dad's name was Ronnie Stokes an' all. - O' Bishopton? 186 00:10:48,800 --> 00:10:51,644 - Aye. That was ma da. - Aye, that's ma dad's cousin. 187 00:10:51,720 --> 00:10:53,688 Aye, ma da, Ronnie Stokes. 188 00:10:53,760 --> 00:10:55,489 Amazin'. How is your da? 189 00:10:56,520 --> 00:10:57,885 I just told you. He's deid. 190 00:10:57,960 --> 00:10:59,849 Oh, that's right. How d'you say he died? 191 00:10:59,920 --> 00:11:01,888 - He fell doon the stair. - Oh, that's right. 192 00:11:01,960 --> 00:11:04,486 - How d'you say he fell again? - His shoes were too wee. 193 00:11:04,560 --> 00:11:05,527 Oh, that's right. 194 00:11:07,360 --> 00:11:10,045 - How's your da? - Aw, ma da's deid now an' all. 195 00:11:10,120 --> 00:11:11,884 - How'd he die? - Died in a car crash. 196 00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:13,849 - How'd it happen? - Lost control o' the motor. 197 00:11:13,920 --> 00:11:16,161 - How'd he lose control? - Feet slipped aff the pedals. 198 00:11:16,240 --> 00:11:17,730 - How'd that happen? - Shoes were too big. 199 00:11:17,800 --> 00:11:20,041 - How come his shoes were too big? - They werenae his shoes. 200 00:11:20,120 --> 00:11:22,282 - Whose shoes were they? - He got a len' of them aff your da. 201 00:11:22,360 --> 00:11:23,930 - Where were his ain shoes? - Somebody stole them. 202 00:11:24,000 --> 00:11:26,731 - Who stole them? - I did. Look. 203 00:11:31,320 --> 00:11:32,810 Got them on the noo. 204 00:11:34,680 --> 00:11:36,648 - They look awfy wee. - Nah. They're fine. 205 00:11:36,720 --> 00:11:39,690 I'll just take your form round to the doctor. Take a seat. 206 00:11:51,080 --> 00:11:53,651 And so I've set up office in here and I'm going to run 207 00:11:53,720 --> 00:11:58,169 as an independent candidate for the Burnistoun West seat. 208 00:11:58,240 --> 00:12:01,881 People say single-issue candidates are never a good thing for politics. 209 00:12:01,960 --> 00:12:04,645 Well, the needless installation of traffic lights 210 00:12:04,720 --> 00:12:06,961 at the Dekebone roundabout is a single issue 211 00:12:07,040 --> 00:12:09,088 around which this whole community has rallied. 212 00:12:09,160 --> 00:12:12,164 If our MP had dealt with this single issue in the first place, 213 00:12:12,240 --> 00:12:15,687 - there'd be no need for me to do this. - But let's say you win. 214 00:12:15,760 --> 00:12:19,082 You'll need to think about a whole lot more than the Dekebone roundabout. 215 00:12:19,160 --> 00:12:22,369 Well, I'll worry about that when I win. 216 00:12:24,400 --> 00:12:25,811 I cannae believe we've won. 217 00:12:27,320 --> 00:12:30,767 I was just hoping to make a point, really, but to have actually won 218 00:12:30,840 --> 00:12:33,127 just shows you the strength of feeling people have 219 00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:37,091 towards these utterly needless traffic lights at the Dekebone roundabout, 220 00:12:37,160 --> 00:12:40,767 which it is now my job to have removed. 221 00:12:42,920 --> 00:12:46,481 I think the police are happy for them to hang around on the spare ground, 222 00:12:46,560 --> 00:12:48,403 but my house backs onto it, 223 00:12:48,480 --> 00:12:53,805 and this gang are regularly smashing my windows and intimidating me. 224 00:12:53,880 --> 00:12:58,010 Right. And where is your house in relation to the Dekebone roundabout? 225 00:12:58,080 --> 00:13:02,005 I'm nowhere near the Dekebone roundabout. I just told you where I lived. 226 00:13:02,080 --> 00:13:05,971 Well, is there some way you could get these boys onto the Dekebone roundabout? 227 00:13:06,040 --> 00:13:08,122 What are you talking about? 228 00:13:08,200 --> 00:13:12,967 Like, put some alcopops down for them, as bait. 229 00:13:13,040 --> 00:13:15,486 Lure them onto it, and then maybe I can help you. 230 00:13:15,560 --> 00:13:19,042 Why should they need to be on that roundabout for you to help me? 231 00:13:19,120 --> 00:13:22,522 Well, I was elected on the Dekebone roundabout issue. 232 00:13:22,600 --> 00:13:24,409 That's where my focus is. 233 00:13:24,480 --> 00:13:26,289 That's reality. 234 00:13:26,360 --> 00:13:29,728 I mean, nobody was expecting a hung parliament in the first place, 235 00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:33,521 but for the whole thing to hinge on me was just incredible. 236 00:13:33,600 --> 00:13:35,682 What did the Prime Minister say to you? 237 00:13:35,760 --> 00:13:38,445 I did nae give him a chance to say anything. I just said, 238 00:13:38,520 --> 00:13:39,931 "Here, you, never mind saving your ain backside, 239 00:13:40,000 --> 00:13:42,287 "what about these traffic lights at the Dekebone roundabout?" 240 00:13:42,360 --> 00:13:43,691 What did he say? 241 00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:47,844 He asked me to be the Foreign Secretary. 242 00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:55,966 Sorry, Mr President, I'm choking on my roll and tottie scone here. 243 00:13:56,040 --> 00:13:59,761 Yes, I know the Middle East situation is very complex, 244 00:13:59,840 --> 00:14:02,446 but I feel we can solve it by taking the same approach 245 00:14:02,520 --> 00:14:04,648 as I've taken to the Dekebone roundabout. 246 00:14:04,720 --> 00:14:06,882 Are you aware of that particular chaos? 247 00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:12,046 I've come unfeasibly far in British politics and I suppose it's inevitable 248 00:14:12,120 --> 00:14:15,602 that the thing that got me where I am is the thing that finishes me off. 249 00:14:15,680 --> 00:14:17,444 Is this breaking news? 250 00:14:19,120 --> 00:14:22,329 On the day I finally got the traffic lights at the Dekebone roundabout removed, 251 00:14:22,400 --> 00:14:27,042 Billy Carr's daughter was driving round it in her brand-new Punto. 252 00:14:28,600 --> 00:14:31,126 She stopped halfway round, expecting a red light. 253 00:14:31,200 --> 00:14:35,250 - Force of habit. - Er, anyway, she took a bit of a bump, 254 00:14:35,320 --> 00:14:39,609 and it caused �200 worth of damage. 255 00:14:41,720 --> 00:14:44,929 So I feel I've no option but to resign... 256 00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:47,048 as the Prime Minister of Great Britain. 257 00:14:56,400 --> 00:14:57,890 I cannae even fuckin' drive. 258 00:15:05,680 --> 00:15:07,967 I cannae even drive. 259 00:15:09,800 --> 00:15:11,529 All right, Scott, mate, come on in. 260 00:15:11,600 --> 00:15:13,489 No, I've nae time, man. Listen, remember last week, 261 00:15:13,560 --> 00:15:15,403 when you could nae make it oot for ma birthday? 262 00:15:15,480 --> 00:15:17,801 Aye, aye, sorry I could nae make it, man. 263 00:15:17,880 --> 00:15:20,963 Naw, naw, it's all right. Mind you phoned me when I was in the pub 264 00:15:21,040 --> 00:15:23,691 and you said, "Happy birthday and have a round on me"? 265 00:15:23,760 --> 00:15:26,366 Er, aye, aye. 266 00:15:26,440 --> 00:15:29,967 Aye, well, em, the round came to... 267 00:15:30,040 --> 00:15:31,485 �23.75. 268 00:15:34,680 --> 00:15:40,244 Right. Er, you sure I did nae say, "Have a drink on me"? 269 00:15:40,320 --> 00:15:42,129 - Naw. - "Have one on me"? 270 00:15:42,200 --> 00:15:43,929 Naw. "Have a round on me," you said. 271 00:15:44,000 --> 00:15:46,606 I remember, cos we werenae doing rounds, just buying our ain, 272 00:15:46,680 --> 00:15:51,561 and then you phoned, and we switched onto rounds for that one round. 273 00:15:51,640 --> 00:15:54,849 23.75. 274 00:15:56,800 --> 00:15:58,484 Right, that's 30. You got change? 275 00:15:58,560 --> 00:16:00,562 Naw. 276 00:16:00,640 --> 00:16:03,883 Right. Listen, I'm not bothered about gieing you the money, Scott. 277 00:16:03,960 --> 00:16:07,931 But, erm, sometimes somebody would say something as a figure o' speech, 278 00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:11,163 and you just wouldnae call them on it. I mean, you just wouldnae dae it. 279 00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:16,402 Nae idea what you're talkin' about, Peter. I'll catch you later, bud, all right? 280 00:16:17,800 --> 00:16:19,165 Aye, later, bud. 281 00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:29,286 Make yerself comfy. 282 00:16:29,360 --> 00:16:32,330 Sort us a wee drink, Jade, and I'll mebbe be on ma worst behaviour later. 283 00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:33,845 Mm. 284 00:16:37,720 --> 00:16:39,882 - Have you got a cat? - Aye, I've got a cat. 285 00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:41,485 You no' a cat person? 286 00:16:42,880 --> 00:16:43,847 It's no' that. 287 00:16:45,080 --> 00:16:47,526 Listen, I'd better go. I'm sorry. 288 00:16:47,600 --> 00:16:49,204 Wait. What is it? 289 00:16:49,280 --> 00:16:51,806 If you're allergic, I'll put it in the other room. 290 00:16:51,880 --> 00:16:53,484 No, it's... 291 00:16:54,560 --> 00:16:56,403 Look, Jade, this might sound mental. 292 00:16:58,720 --> 00:17:01,929 But when I was 14, I choked on a bit of pakora. 293 00:17:02,000 --> 00:17:02,967 Right. 294 00:17:04,840 --> 00:17:06,763 And when I woke up frae the coma... 295 00:17:07,840 --> 00:17:10,161 I found I could... 296 00:17:10,240 --> 00:17:11,844 read cats' memories. 297 00:17:11,920 --> 00:17:15,083 So what? All they do is sleep and eat. 298 00:17:15,160 --> 00:17:18,209 Naw. Look, if we're... 299 00:17:18,280 --> 00:17:22,046 gettin' intae things and suddenly I get a vision o' a wee bird 300 00:17:22,120 --> 00:17:25,761 getting slaughtered or a mouse getting tortured, it'll kill the mood. 301 00:17:25,840 --> 00:17:27,922 - Believe me. - It's a hoose cat. 302 00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:31,083 It's never been oot. Don't worry, I'll get you a drink. 303 00:17:55,800 --> 00:18:00,010 God, my arse is so hairy the night! 304 00:18:06,520 --> 00:18:08,170 Cheerio. 305 00:18:13,360 --> 00:18:17,365 OK, with me in the studio today is Sammy Strange. 306 00:18:17,440 --> 00:18:20,284 And if I could just pick you up on a point, Sammy, 307 00:18:20,360 --> 00:18:25,605 you said to our last caller that you had travelled through time. 308 00:18:25,680 --> 00:18:27,011 Into the future. 309 00:18:27,080 --> 00:18:29,651 Yeah. I mean, it's strange to believe, 310 00:18:29,720 --> 00:18:33,361 but I've actually heard this interview go out on air. 311 00:18:33,440 --> 00:18:35,329 This interview? 312 00:18:35,400 --> 00:18:38,051 This very interview. 313 00:18:38,120 --> 00:18:40,930 OK. So, can you prove that? 314 00:18:41,000 --> 00:18:42,570 Well, what do you want to know? 315 00:18:42,640 --> 00:18:45,371 Well, what happens next? 316 00:18:45,440 --> 00:18:47,124 I answer your question. 317 00:18:47,200 --> 00:18:48,884 And there we go. 318 00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:51,611 No, no, right, right, OK, OK. 319 00:18:51,680 --> 00:18:54,604 What happens after I say this? 320 00:18:54,680 --> 00:18:58,127 What happens is I tell you what happens. 321 00:18:58,200 --> 00:18:59,884 And then it happens. 322 00:18:59,960 --> 00:19:01,803 And it just did. 323 00:19:01,880 --> 00:19:06,966 No, no, what you're saying isn't happening in the future, it's happening now. 324 00:19:07,040 --> 00:19:11,125 So what happens in the future after this? 325 00:19:11,200 --> 00:19:12,565 I answer your question. 326 00:19:12,640 --> 00:19:13,971 When? 327 00:19:15,040 --> 00:19:16,371 Right now. 328 00:19:16,440 --> 00:19:17,885 Just then. And there we go. 329 00:19:19,360 --> 00:19:21,408 OK, OK, OK, don't say another word, OK? 330 00:19:21,480 --> 00:19:24,290 If you've been to the future 331 00:19:24,360 --> 00:19:29,048 and you've already heard this interview, what do I say next? 332 00:19:29,120 --> 00:19:30,451 Sausage rolls. 333 00:19:30,520 --> 00:19:32,887 - Sausage rolls? - And there we go. 334 00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:37,249 No, no, you led me into that. OK, let's take a call. 335 00:19:37,320 --> 00:19:39,448 You tell me the name of the next caller. 336 00:19:39,520 --> 00:19:43,445 Umm... 337 00:19:44,480 --> 00:19:45,720 Amanda from Burnistoun. 338 00:19:45,800 --> 00:19:49,088 - Without looking at the monitor. - I didn't look at the monitor. 339 00:19:49,160 --> 00:19:55,008 Sammy, I think it's amazing that you knew my name. That's really strange! 340 00:19:55,080 --> 00:19:56,445 Thank you, Amanda. 341 00:19:56,520 --> 00:19:59,171 He just looked at the monitor, Amanda, that's all. 342 00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:01,129 He's gonnae say I did look at the monitor. 343 00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:03,202 - You did look at the monitor. - And there we go. 344 00:20:03,280 --> 00:20:05,203 You're amazing. 345 00:20:05,280 --> 00:20:07,851 - He's gonnae wrap it up now. - No. 346 00:20:07,920 --> 00:20:10,082 I'm not, actually. So you're wrong. 347 00:20:10,160 --> 00:20:12,242 - Proved you're a fake. - Here it comes. 348 00:20:12,320 --> 00:20:13,810 No, it's gonnae happen. 349 00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:15,609 Not wrapping it up, keep going. 350 00:20:15,680 --> 00:20:16,841 Any minute now. 351 00:20:16,920 --> 00:20:19,241 Oh, this'll be amazing if this happens! 352 00:20:19,320 --> 00:20:22,369 Yeah, well, of course it has to happen eventually. 353 00:20:22,440 --> 00:20:25,922 Of course it has to happen, because I said it would. 354 00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:27,764 Yeah, well, it hasn't yet, has it? 355 00:20:32,280 --> 00:20:34,521 I'm just getting word from my producer. 356 00:20:37,040 --> 00:20:38,041 We have to wrap it up. 357 00:20:38,120 --> 00:20:40,248 And there we go. 358 00:20:40,320 --> 00:20:42,288 Oh, my God! 359 00:20:46,720 --> 00:20:51,886 Are you wan o' thae people that are frightened of wakenin' up inside a coffin 360 00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:53,803 after you've been buried? 361 00:20:53,880 --> 00:20:55,405 Don't worry. 362 00:20:55,480 --> 00:20:59,280 For only a hunner pound a dig, Burnistoun Fear Services 363 00:20:59,360 --> 00:21:05,163 will dig you up every single day, until you physically start to rot. 364 00:21:06,640 --> 00:21:07,971 Here, mate. 365 00:21:08,040 --> 00:21:12,409 You still deid? Mate? Mate? 366 00:21:12,480 --> 00:21:15,768 Here, you still deid, mate? 367 00:21:15,840 --> 00:21:18,366 Burnistoun Fear Services... 368 00:21:20,680 --> 00:21:22,728 Argh! Argh! 369 00:21:22,800 --> 00:21:24,165 Just in case. 370 00:21:33,960 --> 00:21:36,486 We're tryin' to run an ice-cream van here, Walter. 371 00:21:36,560 --> 00:21:38,449 Shut up. 372 00:21:38,520 --> 00:21:44,084 I'm fillin' my paddling pool now, anyway, cos we're at the beach now, anyway. 373 00:21:44,160 --> 00:21:46,083 - There's nae room. - Yes, there is. 374 00:21:46,160 --> 00:21:49,084 I only need enough room for my handies and my feeties 375 00:21:49,160 --> 00:21:51,811 and a wee bit of my bare bottom, anyway. 376 00:21:51,880 --> 00:21:53,803 You are not swimmin' in this ice-cream van! 377 00:21:53,880 --> 00:21:56,929 I wouldnae even have to make a rubbish paddling pool beach 378 00:21:57,000 --> 00:21:59,321 if you'd let us go on holiday to Blackpool, 379 00:21:59,400 --> 00:22:02,643 like I wanted to go to Blackpool on holiday, anyway! 380 00:22:02,720 --> 00:22:05,291 There's nae time. Somebody has got to pay the bills round here. 381 00:22:05,360 --> 00:22:07,966 I don't see why I should pay any bills. 382 00:22:08,040 --> 00:22:09,804 I'm only 17 years old, anyway. 383 00:22:09,880 --> 00:22:11,245 You're the same age as me, Walter. 384 00:22:11,320 --> 00:22:13,561 I was talking about doggy years, you idiot! 385 00:22:13,640 --> 00:22:16,166 But you are not a doggy. 386 00:22:16,240 --> 00:22:19,289 I bet you wish I was a doggy, then you could tie me up 387 00:22:19,360 --> 00:22:23,445 in your bedroom and kiss me, like you kiss all the other doggies, anyway. 388 00:22:23,520 --> 00:22:25,921 You're a disgusting, disgusting boy, Walter. 389 00:22:26,000 --> 00:22:27,240 I run a groomin' service. 390 00:22:27,320 --> 00:22:30,642 Yes. You're the groom and the doggy's the bride! 391 00:22:36,120 --> 00:22:39,124 - What can I get for you? - Can I have a packet of salt and vinegar? 392 00:22:39,200 --> 00:22:43,046 A packet of salty and vinegary crispies. Certainly. 393 00:22:46,800 --> 00:22:47,881 Walter! 394 00:22:47,960 --> 00:22:51,123 Don't know what you're shoutin' at me for, I never even done anythin'. 395 00:22:51,200 --> 00:22:53,567 You just drenched me. 396 00:22:53,640 --> 00:22:56,849 It was a wave, you stupid idiot! It was a wave from the beach! 397 00:22:56,920 --> 00:22:59,002 I'll wave at you in a minute. 398 00:22:59,080 --> 00:23:03,324 Wave you away on the bus. Back to the home we got sent tae when Mammy died. 399 00:23:04,920 --> 00:23:08,208 Oh, oh, oh, look at ma lip. 400 00:23:08,280 --> 00:23:11,682 You've made ma lip sad now, anyway, talking aboot that place. 401 00:23:11,760 --> 00:23:13,125 This is your last chance. 402 00:23:13,200 --> 00:23:16,682 You give that wee boy a packet of salty and vinegary crispies, right now. 403 00:23:16,760 --> 00:23:21,209 I can't see! Ma lip's shaking too much, anyway. 404 00:23:22,720 --> 00:23:25,087 I just want to go and play my accordion. 405 00:23:25,160 --> 00:23:26,730 Oh, go and play it, then. 406 00:23:35,120 --> 00:23:36,531 40 pence, please. 407 00:23:38,600 --> 00:23:40,125 Thank you, very... 408 00:23:46,080 --> 00:23:51,962 Excuse me. I'm just gonnae go and have to have a word with my brother. 409 00:23:56,320 --> 00:23:59,767 Help! Help! There's a shark! 410 00:23:59,840 --> 00:24:01,604 Get me out the water, anyway! 411 00:24:02,800 --> 00:24:07,169 Argh! Argh! Argh! 412 00:24:12,600 --> 00:24:13,761 That's it. 413 00:24:30,600 --> 00:24:32,409 Haw! 414 00:24:33,760 --> 00:24:36,366 Haw! Haw! 415 00:24:37,280 --> 00:24:39,328 Haw! Haw! 416 00:24:39,400 --> 00:24:42,165 Haw! 417 00:24:42,240 --> 00:24:45,005 Haw! Haw! 418 00:24:52,000 --> 00:24:54,765 Son, what did I tell you? Turn that shite aff! 419 00:25:04,760 --> 00:25:06,250 In the name o' me. 420 00:25:15,560 --> 00:25:16,800 Where's the buttons? 421 00:25:16,880 --> 00:25:21,249 No, they've installed voice recognition technology in this lift. I heard aboot it. 422 00:25:21,320 --> 00:25:23,607 Voice recognition technology? 423 00:25:23,680 --> 00:25:25,125 In a lift? 424 00:25:25,200 --> 00:25:26,611 In Scotland? 425 00:25:26,680 --> 00:25:28,887 You ever tried voice recognition technology? 426 00:25:28,960 --> 00:25:32,646 - Naw. - It don't do Scottish accents. 427 00:25:34,240 --> 00:25:35,685 11! 428 00:25:35,760 --> 00:25:37,762 Could you please repeat that? 429 00:25:39,520 --> 00:25:40,885 11. 430 00:25:40,960 --> 00:25:42,371 11. 431 00:25:44,120 --> 00:25:46,202 - 11. - 11. 432 00:25:46,280 --> 00:25:48,760 Could you please repeat that? 433 00:25:49,680 --> 00:25:52,206 El-ev-en. 434 00:25:52,280 --> 00:25:54,044 Whose idea was this? 435 00:25:54,120 --> 00:25:56,521 You need to try an American accent. 436 00:25:56,600 --> 00:26:00,525 11 ... 11. 437 00:26:00,600 --> 00:26:03,365 - That sounds Irish, no' American. - No, it disnae! 438 00:26:04,440 --> 00:26:07,330 - 11. - Where in America is that, Dublin? 439 00:26:07,400 --> 00:26:10,131 I'm sorry, could you please repeat that? 440 00:26:11,160 --> 00:26:13,288 Try an English accent. 441 00:26:14,840 --> 00:26:18,208 11 ... 11. 442 00:26:18,280 --> 00:26:20,408 You frae the same part of England as Dick Van Dyke? 443 00:26:20,480 --> 00:26:23,006 Let's hear yours, then, smart arse. 444 00:26:23,080 --> 00:26:25,367 Please speak slowly and clearly. 445 00:26:25,440 --> 00:26:26,487 Smart arse. 446 00:26:27,680 --> 00:26:29,250 11. 447 00:26:29,320 --> 00:26:32,961 I'm sorry, could you please repeat that? 448 00:26:33,040 --> 00:26:37,887 11 . If you don't understand the lingo, away back hame to your ain country. 449 00:26:37,960 --> 00:26:41,726 Ooh. It's that talk now, is it? "Away back to your ain country"? 450 00:26:41,800 --> 00:26:45,566 Aw, don't start, Mr Bleedin' Heart. How can you be racist tae a lift? 451 00:26:45,640 --> 00:26:48,371 Please speaks lowly and clearly 452 00:26:49,400 --> 00:26:52,324 11... 11. 453 00:26:52,400 --> 00:26:54,562 11. 454 00:26:54,640 --> 00:26:57,291 - 11. - You're just saying it the same way. 455 00:26:57,360 --> 00:27:00,682 I'm gonnae keep saying it until it understands Scottish, all right? 456 00:27:02,240 --> 00:27:03,207 11. 457 00:27:03,280 --> 00:27:08,002 11... 11... 11! 458 00:27:08,080 --> 00:27:11,243 Aw, just take us anywhere, ya cow! Just open the doors! 459 00:27:11,320 --> 00:27:14,210 This is a voice-activated elevator. 460 00:27:14,280 --> 00:27:18,171 Please state which floor you would like togo to in a clear and calm manner. 461 00:27:19,200 --> 00:27:20,565 Calm? Calm? 462 00:27:21,760 --> 00:27:24,889 Where's that coming frae? Why is it telling people tae be calm? 463 00:27:24,960 --> 00:27:27,566 Because they knew they'd be selling it to Scottish people 464 00:27:27,640 --> 00:27:29,324 who'd be going aff their nuts at it! 465 00:27:29,400 --> 00:27:31,084 You have not selected a floor. 466 00:27:31,160 --> 00:27:33,925 Aye, we have! 11! 467 00:27:34,000 --> 00:27:38,244 If you would like to get out of the elevator without selecting a floor, 468 00:27:38,320 --> 00:27:41,403 simply say, "Open the doors, please." 469 00:27:42,440 --> 00:27:43,726 "Please"? Please? 470 00:27:45,520 --> 00:27:46,965 Suck ma wullie. 471 00:27:47,040 --> 00:27:48,724 Mebbe we should just say please. 472 00:27:49,760 --> 00:27:51,808 I'm no' begging that for nothin'. 473 00:27:56,640 --> 00:27:58,927 Open the doors, please. 474 00:27:59,000 --> 00:28:01,765 "Please"? Pathetic. 475 00:28:01,840 --> 00:28:03,285 Please remain calm. 476 00:28:05,760 --> 00:28:10,607 Lift me up to that thing. Just wait for it to speak. 477 00:28:13,680 --> 00:28:16,923 - You have not selected a floor. - Up yours, you cow! 478 00:28:17,000 --> 00:28:19,765 If you don't let us oot these doors, I'm gonnae come to America, 479 00:28:19,840 --> 00:28:22,684 I'm gonnae find whatever desperate actress gave you a voice 480 00:28:22,760 --> 00:28:24,569 and I'm gonnae go to the electric chair for you! 481 00:28:24,640 --> 00:28:26,847 Scotland, you bastard! 482 00:28:26,920 --> 00:28:28,968 - Scotland! - Scotland! 483 00:28:29,040 --> 00:28:31,247 Sco-o-o-otland! 484 00:28:31,320 --> 00:28:34,688 - Freedom! - Freedom! 485 00:28:41,600 --> 00:28:44,922 Goin' up? 486 00:28:44,947 --> 00:28:50,247 487 00:28:50,297 --> 00:28:54,847 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0